Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Oh, hello there.

  It's amazing what a full day of blog stalking can do to you. It can make you want to blog again after months of not blogging or really reading blogs. For me it was a nice little vacay. Our lives have changed so much in these past few months, it was a little on the crazy side. So last time I was on here I had just had a miscarriage, about to graduate from college, planning a huge move, and working.

  Now we have moved to Hawaii, Trent and I graduated, Trent started grad school, I had two completely terrible jobs and now work at Sephora, and we are currently looking for a new place to live as our lease is up at the end of February.

  When we first moved here, lemme tell ya, I hated it. "Who could hate Hawaii?" you may ask. And I would answer with to thumbs pointed at myself, "this girl". Right before we moved life was hard but crazy, I didn't have time to really grieve what had happened or really heal from the whole thing. Some women I've talked to say their miscarriage was hard but not devastating because they weren't really attached to the baby/pregnancy, they hadn't reached a stage where they felt this severe loss. I'm not trying to lessen what they went through but I was in a different place.  I loved my child growing inside of me. I was connected. That little guy was my buddy I was carting around. So when we moved here and life slowed down to Hawaii speed, everything hit me like a ton of bricks.

  A big move is hard enough as it is, this coming from a girl who has moved houses and states at least 22 times. But with everything on top I was definitely breaking. My support system was gone and I was surrounded by strangers/crazy people everywhere I went, Waikiki is one of the dirtiest places I have ever been, it's suuuper expensive here and I had nothing to do. It wasn't until early November that things started to get better and it was because of dear Trentyloo.

  I could tell my intense emotions were starting to wear on this most patient of men. I was crying daily and pretty depressed. I would go to my job in the morning, crying all the way, meet Trent for lunch, cry then too because the people there were mean, and then cry that night about having to go back the next day. We were sitting at lunch in downtown Honolulu and Trent said, "Babe, you need to think about the things that are good in your life, think of what you're thankful for". Of course I replied with the only rational thing to say, "There's nothing to be thankful for!!!!!!!" He just looked at me and said, "Oh really? Nothing to be thankful for? That's just ridiculous, you have plenty to be thankful for and you need quit this". Then he got up and left.

  At first I got mad because I mean, I had been through an ordeal. I felt entitled to my sadness. But Trent doesn't pull stuff like that unless he means business so I really had to think about it. I am not the first nor the last women to go through a miscarriage and big life changes. I had plenty to be thankful for and at the top of the list was a husband who would love me, be honest with me, care for me and love our children. After that things got a lot better because my attitude got better. Sure, sometimes I will still cry because I am not pregnant and those plans have been put on hold but I know we're where we're supposed to be.

  I am hoping to post a little more on here. I tried posting photos on another blog I started for a while but soon got sick of it because I'm not a photographer and I was also trying to make myself like Hawaii. Now I definitely appreciate being here although I know it's not where we're going to end up. This is a short stay and I intend to have fun while we're here!


Amy Johnson said...

So glad to have you back!

Bretty said...

Hang in there kenz! Im glad to hear things are getting better. It took me forever to be able to feel happy again too. I think i snapped at anyone who even smiled at me for a good 3 months! and whenever you are feeling down on hawaii, just think of me, and how glad you are that you dont live in frigid utah! And ps. Your support system is still here... just a little farther away :)

sasha said...

love you so so much babe!
it's fitting that you came back here after all this.
this is where you started.

i'm so happy you are better. shitty days are over, mama! you just had to go through that for a while, i think. you needed it. it gave you a different perspective thought, right? i look back at our spring and summer 2012 and it sucked balls. that was a hard time for both of us, huh?

but i'm glad i went through it and i came on top of it. ;) and i think you did too!

i'm so thrilled to see you so soon!

Stacey and Jared Haslam said...

Love you so much Kenz! It's too ouchy for me to say too much but I adore you hardcore and would absolutely take that pain from you if I could. So glad you have Trent and that things are looking up. Xoxo

Steve said...

I think I'm the only dude to write on these things (fag slap, haha). But thanks for sharing McKenzie. You and Trent are missed back in the real 'Merica!

Rachael said...

loooovvvvveeeee youuuuuu!!

Else said...

No shout out to our little angel girls!!!! I know you are thankful for them!!! :) I'm thankful we are friends!!!